13 October 2008

On Being a "Deceiver"

Transphobia, like homophobia, sexism, and racism, can be found everywhere. Including internalised in me. I thought I'd gotten past my own transphobia since I started transitioning. I was wrong.

I've been involved with a semi-volunteer, occasional community thing. So, I was talking to a friend the other day about the fact that I wasn't sure I wanted to continue doing it even though they could really use me. She pointed that I was afraid of being considered a "deceiver" because I started doing this pre-transition. She's right. I don't want to deal with the discomfort of having to say, basically, "This is who I really am." The fact that I have to say that lends credence to the idea that I was deceiving them before.

I'm really wrestling with this. I believe in being true to myself, but yet I feel the shame society wants me to feel over transitioning, in stepping away from the role and identity that I'm expected to fit. At this point, I probably won't be doing the community thing just because of the fact it's a specific time thing, and it's probably too late to do it now. I admit to cowardice in dealing with it. I still have a ways to go with ridding myself of my own transphobia.

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